The heat is at a 100F, and it’s killing! I know I’ve lived in India and the temperature was almost the same, but for some reason this seems worse than that and no, I’m not acting like a firangi 
I’ve almost completed a year here in Texas. This year will be my first one away from home, but also, hopefully the most memorable, for reasons the world does not need to know. I didn’t get the internship that I was hoping for and strangely, I’m not as disappointed as I thought I’d be…His grace is overwhelming. What does bother me is how soon I’m going to finish this program. I feel like I’m running out of patience, but I still have 2 years to go and I can’t do anything but complete it well…
I’ve come to realize that I like cooking and feeding people 
I made a new friend today. She’s Puerto Rican and she’s been to Bihar for a mission trip. I had never met her, but I enjoyed cooking and feeding her so much 
I think I should consider going and cooking for a community kitchen or something!! Time put to good use…not to mention my skills too. The only thing that is not helped by my incessant cooking is my weight. I’ve managed to lose a few pounds, but the bulk of it remains and I really want to lose it, well ahead of the wedding, whenever that is…God help me!!
I have finally found time to update my blog. These past few weeks have been tumultous to say the least. I’ve moved from the dorm, dunno if I mentioned that in an earlier post, to a friend’s apartment. Now we’ve moved again to a sub-lease, a one bedroom apartment that doesn’t hold our stuff together 
and we’re moving AGAIN in August, thankfully and finally to a 3-bed townhouse.
Also, back home the mood has been upbeat with “confirmations” galore. I have not yet understood what they meant and I don’t think I ever will, but that overlooking, I can safely name Clive in my posts henceforth, thanks to the “confirmations” I always had to think twice before naming him not because it was some undercover operation or because I was ashamed that I love him but because “people” outside my immediate family weren’t informed. Anyways, with that out of my way, I can move on with life. And for the record, if you read this, I love you Clive
I am hoping I bag that internship at UNT. It would give me something more worthwhile to do and some extra cash in the kitty that is ALWAYS welcome Another thing I am looking forward to are the bible studies on Thursday nights. I hope I get to continue forming and maintaining relationships through those. Well the last few days of my carefree days with only work and no class are coming to an end and I’m waiting to see what else Summer has in store
Love,
Me!
I have finished my second semester and I am alive But on a serious note, this has been the worst semester EVER. I know there have been only two, but people normally say your first sem is the worst, looks like I proved them wrong. I always have something about me that has to break the norm, and normally it’s not a very good and pleasant thing. I am getting an ‘A’ on 3 courses. The 4th course I don’t know. If I get a ‘B’ it will be my own fault coz I didn’t study hard enough for my final. I was busy day-dreaming about someone. I don’t know if I’m being hard on myself, or maybe I want to see how far and how long I can take my 4.0 GPA for granted. I know I’ll probably be heartbroken the day it goes below 4.0, but maybe I don’t have to be such a stickler for the 4.0
My life seems to revolve around school and Mr. G, well and Sunday School too. I am learning so much from these little 2 year old kids. God shows me how they can relate to them. And how sin is so real and ingrained in their little selves and how they can be little devils behind their cute and angelic faces. It’s a first hand account of understanding of how we are born in sin. No one teaches them to hit and bite and push and punch, but they learn it darn well those little ones, even at the age of 2. And I also see how God has wired us in our roles. I have a lil girl named Erica who is so maternal that we all have a blast seeing her guide the other supposedly “younger” kids around. Any kid who seems younger to her has a taste of her maternal side She’ll go around herding them saying “C’mon baby, c’mon” she’s the cutest. I also saw another kid’s parents for the first time. They normally come in with their grandparents who are their legal guardians because their parents have had problems with substance abuse. She and her one year old brother look so picture perfect that sometimes I have to be reminded that not everything that looks perfect is perfect, they can be broken inside.
I haven’t gone to church for two weeks. I have gone for Sunday School, but not to church and I better wake up early and make it there. I feel guilt pangs later but sleeping at 2 has its sideeffects and no, I’m not studying!! which gives me no good reason to be staying awake that late. Lately, I’ve gotten hooked to CSI. I don’t know what about that show makes me stick there and watch it!! Also, I have been going to professional meetings with Mariya, and they’re a good way to network. But this is not a good season to look for an internship, leave alone a job. But I hope it gets better and I know that God has me in the hollow of His palm and that I can trust Him with my future. I have to go in an hour’s time to a dinner, so I should wrap up this post soon.
Other things weighing on my mind? My overwhelming over-the-top fixation about my weight that somehow has other people like my mom fixated on it. But I need to make some resolutions so i can lose those extra pounds. Also, I have been wondering lately about life in general. Yes, I try to live to be an example to people around me, but I fall short of God’s standards – lots of times. And then I try picking up the pieces of my life and keep running the race. At the end I really want to hear the words “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” I wonder where I will be two years from now, what we’ll be upto, who we will be ministering to, if we’ll be having kids around, I don’t know the answers, so I gather I’ll simply wait and watch. Sometimes I wish I could video-tape my life and look back at it. Darn good way to learn from your mistakes I say!
I have been long gone from the blogging scene. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about, just that I either don’t make the time or it’s way too personal for me to want the world to read it.
Right now there are so many things on my mind that I’m surprised I can even function. And no, it’s not depressing, just a lot of random stuff that gets me bogged down. I am hoping to be able to work for 40 hours in the summer so I can accumulate some fund for the “Save Ashwini from bankruptcy fund” joking…but it would be nice to have some extra money just so I know it’s there and I can use it in times of an emergency. God has never been short handed and never will be. I make just enough to get by, and I mean JUST enough, though at times I wish there was a little more to use, especially when it comes to being able to take a flight and go meet “you-know-who” at least once in three months or so. Anyways I shall not complain, He will provide if he has to. At least I don’t have to scrape for groceries. I am blessed to be able to eat enough and well and be able to pay tuition, whilst many other s are struggling.
I have also been postponing doing important chores that I cannot postpone any longer. I should get them done ASAP. I’m really looking forward to the summer. There will be no school for 3 weeks before summer classes begin and that’s the time when I have to move and settle into a new apartment before I can move again into my more “permanent home”. I’m excited to be moving next to Sarah and Jennifer. I will sorely miss Michelle though, she’s fun to be around. What excites me the most are that there will be no more trips to the College Inn kitchenette…YAHOOO….I need to have a grocery list that’s budgeted, I’ve realized that a week or two after I buy groceries, I end up throwing at least 1 item away because it’s spoilt. Now the main reason is that my fridge is a goner…old and not cold enough! But I should’ve realized that by now and should buy 1 item less in my next trip to the store…I hate wasting stuff, this week I threw away a whole cucumber….what a waste! I think I’ll be a good “budgetor” when I have a family. I won’t be the kind who wastes. It pricks my heart to see food going waste. Also considering that I probably spend not more than $100 a month on groceries and fruits I think I’m on the right track, not to mention, I’m eating healthy..not unhealthy.
OK now enough of meandering – I’ll get back to my report
OK so today was Easter..or resurrection Day, whatever name you give it..and before you start trashing me, yes, I know that Easter comes from Ishtar, the pagan goddess of fertility, but it’s no big deal because ultimately, to me it means the death and resurrection of my Savior!! That’s enough to rejoice, right??
So even though I rejoice, I haven’t had such a great day. I’m thankful, yes, for the cross. I truly am, but somehow, besides going to church this morning I haven’t done anything and I sorely sorely sorely miss having someone around. Present family, future family, all rolled in one, I have had as of yet the loneliest Easter Sunday of my life. I’ve pretty much been on my laptop the whole time since I came back in the afternoon. And now as I furiously type this at 10 minutes to midnight, I feel the tears stinging my eyes. I believed I would be thrilled and elated at teaching myself to live alone, by myself, the erstwhile modern independent woman. Turns out I was wrong…I can live alone mind you, and be independent too, but I have realized that I have been lying to myself all along, I am not as asocial as I believed I was. True, I can’t stand having a hundred people around me, but I do need a few, I cannot live in isolation.
Another thing on my mind is housing when I am done with my stint in the dorm. I am absolutely dying to get out of this place. I survived for 2 terms, don’t think I can live here anymore, it’s too crazy for a grad student. I need my space, a kitchen and a window that opens more than 2 inches for heaven’s sake!! I’d love to move besides Sarah, it would be fantastic!! But I need a responsible roommate who will be willing to move in there longterm. It would be really nice if the person was a believer too. The two of us would not be able to move in there by ourselves. Plus, if we can help out the Korean girls with their lease until we get that one, will be real nice. I’m appalled at how they survive with the amount of English they know. I would like to help them and not allow them to be taken on a ride in their sub-lease.
Ok after almost 40 minutes over mulling over this post and chatting with my brother, I’m publishing it…Happy Easter again and may God use us as beacons of light wherever He has placed us, even if we aren’t very happy about our situation, because He always has a purpose and a plan
Today is women’s day. I don’t find anything special happening around. When we were home we never did anything extraordinary but daddy would sometimes get us ice-cream and mummy would pay for it
I have a lot of mixed feelings at this stage. My thoughts would probably incense a feminist, but I’m willing to lay down all I’ve been doing to move on, I know that it is probably unnecessary and I’ve invested too much in the present to throw it all away, but I wish I had more mobility. And I know this waiting period is for a bit, but I do get impatient to know how long. Plus it’s hard to concentrate with everything around. I wish I was more diligent. I know I can do this and I know God is gracious. I know that as far as I have come, hasn’t been because I’m smart but because His grace is overflowing. And I also know that I’ve taken His grace and my “supposed” smartness for granted lots of times. And that includes all the times I’ve barely studied and done well on tests because of last minute studying…and I’m definitely not proud of it…….
Sometimes I want the normal life I had before I got here, then again, the past few months have been life-altering and I wouldn’t give them up for anything at all, the best that ever happened to me….so mixed emotions…..
Coming to my stay here on campus, when I got here I was thankful for this room appropriately named a “matchbox”, now however, I cannot survive here any longer, I’m dying to move into an apartment where I can live like a normal person, where I can control heat and cold, or put on the fan, cook in a kitchen, not have two doors in the bathroom that cannot be locked from the inside I’m sick of this room that doubles up as my work-study, living room and bedroom and a sink that doubles up as a washbasin to wash utensils, not to mention a fridge, microwave and mini-oven cum broiler cum toaster all stacked one on top of the other (space saving device) that are the only vents for my culinary skills. So far so good, in May I’m eagerly looking forward to moving out. Only thing if I have to move in with a friend I will have to wait 15 days after College Inn closes until the 31st of May, so that essentially means that I will be “home” less for about 15 days and that scares me
I had a mid term test today. It wasn’t the greatest. EVER…..anyways, I’m trying to avoid being a sourpuss…but Spring is here, it ain’t cold anymore..I love it..however, I wish I had a fan to keep myself cool inside the room. It gets excruciatingly hot in here, especially if my suitemate leaves the heater on.
Also, since Spring is here I had to change the theme from a wintery theme to something more relevant, so here is the new theme. I quite like it and I love my header coz I like the photographer 
Anyways, I have LOTS in store for the coming week. Lots of work, I’m really looking forward to the upcoming break. I wish I could go somewhere, time will tell, until then I can at least hope I have a good relaxed break
I sometimes think I’d have a nervous breakdown at the happenings around me. It’s been long since I’ve cried myself to sleep and now as the clock ticks itself to a new dawn, I probably will sleep amidst tears that flow freely. I have mid-terms lined up and they don’t bother me as much as other things do. And I don’t want to trouble others with these things to upset and make them even more troubled than they are….I feel like the Psalmist at this juncture……….
I lift my eyes when I am troubled
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
And there I stand knowing nothing can defeat me
Just as long as I know where You are
In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You’re my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
In You alone
In You alone
So I won’t fear though darkness hides me
No, I won’t let my courage sway
For You are near and at the brightness of Your glory
The shadows of the night melt away
In You alone
Is promise I can cling to
In You alone
You’re my security
In You alone
My soul has found a dwelling place
Only in You alone
What could separate me from Your love?
Neither life nor death, nor anything at all
Anything at all
In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You’re my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
Only in You alone
Only in You alone
Only in You alone
As I call out I know that He alone can cause me to rest in Him
I’m at a very confusing point in life. I’m not asking God the question “why”..because I know He has a purpose that He wants to fulfil, but I am certainly asking Him the question “what”. I think it’s meaningless to be walking through the wilderness and not know what He’s teaching.
Being in the wilderness is painful in itself, but not knowing the fruit it produces is worse. I know I haven’t been promised a bed of roses and that isn’t what I want either but I want to know what He wants me to learn. It’s so futile to think that I’ve been in the wilderness and not learnt anything. Such a waste!
I watch, I wait and I pray coz there isn’t anything else I can do really………….
