Today is women’s day. I don’t find anything special happening around. When we were home we never did anything extraordinary but daddy would sometimes get us ice-cream and mummy would pay for it 
I have a lot of mixed feelings at this stage. My thoughts would probably incense a feminist, but I’m willing to lay down all I’ve been doing to move on, I know that it is probably unnecessary and I’ve invested too much in the present to throw it all away, but I wish I had more mobility. And I know this waiting period is for a bit, but I do get impatient to know how long. Plus it’s hard to concentrate with everything around. I wish I was more diligent. I know I can do this and I know God is gracious. I know that as far as I have come, hasn’t been because I’m smart but because His grace is overflowing. And I also know that I’ve taken His grace and my “supposed” smartness for granted lots of times. And that includes all the times I’ve barely studied and done well on tests because of last minute studying…and I’m definitely not proud of it…….
Sometimes I want the normal life I had before I got here, then again, the past few months have been life-altering and I wouldn’t give them up for anything at all, the best that ever happened to me….so mixed emotions…..
Coming to my stay here on campus, when I got here I was thankful for this room appropriately named a “matchbox”, now however, I cannot survive here any longer, I’m dying to move into an apartment where I can live like a normal person, where I can control heat and cold, or put on the fan, cook in a kitchen, not have two doors in the bathroom that cannot be locked from the inside I’m sick of this room that doubles up as my work-study, living room and bedroom and a sink that doubles up as a washbasin to wash utensils, not to mention a fridge, microwave and mini-oven cum broiler cum toaster all stacked one on top of the other (space saving device) that are the only vents for my culinary skills. So far so good, in May I’m eagerly looking forward to moving out. Only thing if I have to move in with a friend I will have to wait 15 days after College Inn closes until the 31st of May, so that essentially means that I will be “home” less for about 15 days and that scares me 
I had a mid term test today. It wasn’t the greatest. EVER…..anyways, I’m trying to avoid being a sourpuss…but Spring is here, it ain’t cold anymore..I love it..however, I wish I had a fan to keep myself cool inside the room. It gets excruciatingly hot in here, especially if my suitemate leaves the heater on.
Also, since Spring is here I had to change the theme from a wintery theme to something more relevant, so here is the new theme. I quite like it and I love my header coz I like the photographer 
Anyways, I have LOTS in store for the coming week. Lots of work, I’m really looking forward to the upcoming break. I wish I could go somewhere, time will tell, until then I can at least hope I have a good relaxed break 
I sometimes think I’d have a nervous breakdown at the happenings around me. It’s been long since I’ve cried myself to sleep and now as the clock ticks itself to a new dawn, I probably will sleep amidst tears that flow freely. I have mid-terms lined up and they don’t bother me as much as other things do. And I don’t want to trouble others with these things to upset and make them even more troubled than they are….I feel like the Psalmist at this juncture……….
I lift my eyes when I am troubled
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
And there I stand knowing nothing can defeat me
Just as long as I know where You are
In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You’re my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
In You alone
In You alone
So I won’t fear though darkness hides me
No, I won’t let my courage sway
For You are near and at the brightness of Your glory
The shadows of the night melt away
In You alone
Is promise I can cling to
In You alone
You’re my security
In You alone
My soul has found a dwelling place
Only in You alone
What could separate me from Your love?
Neither life nor death, nor anything at all
Anything at all
In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You’re my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
Only in You alone
Only in You alone
Only in You alone
As I call out I know that He alone can cause me to rest in Him
I’m at a very confusing point in life. I’m not asking God the question “why”..because I know He has a purpose that He wants to fulfil, but I am certainly asking Him the question “what”. I think it’s meaningless to be walking through the wilderness and not know what He’s teaching.
Being in the wilderness is painful in itself, but not knowing the fruit it produces is worse. I know I haven’t been promised a bed of roses and that isn’t what I want either but I want to know what He wants me to learn. It’s so futile to think that I’ve been in the wilderness and not learnt anything. Such a waste!
I watch, I wait and I pray coz there isn’t anything else I can do really………….
Ok my scheduled schedule has worked better this past week. I hope to make better progress in the coming week. Or else, I am doomed…
On a lighter note, in the past 6 months that I have been here I have figured what ails this country that has now become second home…..those of you’ll who are patriotic, don’t throw stones yet, I said second home..not first…..and I know that economists and other “intelligent” people might have already figured this out, but since I haven’t read about it, I’d like to imagine that this discovery is my own….and the discovery of what ails America is that Anericans are spoilt for choice…..you go to buy groceries in Walmart with a ready list and you still spend 30 mins buying one item because there is TOO much choice. I like India better in this regard – no choice, take what is there or leave it, at least you’re saved the headache of having to choose – choosing between 4 differnet types of cucumbers, mushrooms, apples, pears, avocados…I mean this is CRAZZZZZyyyyyy…..keep one thing there and peple will pick it up if they want it, why offer 4 different varieties with intricate details of how to choose fresh produce – ultimately we know that it isn’t organic in any case..it’s not like going and buying vegetables from the field, like my mom does sometimes……
Anyways so my mom’s words keep ringing in my ears when I go to Walmart “BUY FRUITS, EAT FRUITS” ok fine so I go buy fruits. I buy a few bananas, pears, plums, melon, peach and grapes. The quantity that I bought would last me a week and a half, this would probably cost me a maximum of Rs 100 back home, how much do I pay at Walmart? almost $12-15 which is almost Rs. 750!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom will buy fruits for a whole month in that much money!! The standard of living continues to send shock waves through me sometimes………
Oh and I have also been exercising diligently this week, and watching the portions I eat…and I bought running shoes today, I intend to lose weight, obviously, for ulterior motives but at least I’m taking care of myself 
Other than that of course my major grouse here is transport, and I think I will continue to murmur and complain until I get a car, which doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon considering the atrocious tuition fees I pay…
Until later.
It’s 3:30 am and I’m not yet asleep….I’m listening to the radio and going off track from my usual favourite of contemporary country music, I’m listening to the likes of third day, jeremy camp, et al, basically, contemporary gospel music….I went to Worldlife today, very few people, but good discussions…….
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to turn nocturnal soon – it’s not a good sign, part of it is my fault. I know that if I sleep I will go to sleep but i’m trying to work alongside….not working. Nowadays I feeling like watching movies…I rarely watched movies back home, had no time actually, which reminds me that I don’t have time even now, it’s worse than before…..but I nonetheless, feel like it. I remember Diwas prodding me to watch movies and documentaries and I just wasn’t inclined back then….
I should get back to work now. Things are coming to a standstill….if the water goes over the head..it’s the end of me this semester…….and I can’t afford to let that happen……
Ok so I just figured that the last post i wrote was saved as a page and not as a post!! I hate it when wordpress changes things. Why can’t they stick with the tried and tested, so i had to remove the page and post it again so the latest post is actually written prior to the one following that.
There has been a lot of upheaval lately, fear about how I’ll do in school, for one. Another is I don’t know where I’m going. I mean in a sense I do, but I sometimes feel I’m so unprepared for the future. I’ve made up my mind to go with the flow, to go as God leads me, but sometimes I wonder where He’s leading me.
I’ve been so slack lately, it ain’t funny. And part of it I think is because I freeze when I’m afraid. My advisor who’s also my boss is so nice, but I’m afraid I’ll get on the wrong side because I haven’t been very diligent, either with work, or study or prayer time. I feel so stuck that I have a feeling I’m not going to go anywhere like this. I feel like an ostrich with its head buried in the ground, thinking it’s safe, but in actuality it isn’t because its entire body is outside!!! I want to get out of this rut and I know I can’t do it by myself. I need help…..
Psalms chapter 121
King James Version
1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Update – all of a sudden I feel uncomfortable writing blog posts coz I think they’re way too personal. I don’t know, maybe I’m changing.
I know I can put up password protected posts, but then again, never mind, my brain’s just dead for a while. This month has been the worst I have probably seen. School has been at its worst so has work. I’ve been the epitome of laziness, doing nothing and I mean nothing! Just sitting online, checking my mail and then staring into space. I have no clue why I feel this way. I’m well aware of the consequences. A few more weeks of being this way and I’m so dead meat. One of the reasons for this is because I need to get in touch with the industry and find practical things to do. I remember all the time I sent students to my contacts back in Bombay. I knew people at the drop of a hat who could help my students with corporate affairs and now all of a sudden I HATE being an international student because I have no contacts whatsoever. Plus with the rest of everything being complicated around me I’m just tired. I need to be replenished and I know that will happen when I go to the Fountain of Life. Sometimes I wish I could have a glimpse of the future, only to know that I’ll be fine.
If I know myself I know that I will not give up, no matter what. But sometimes I just feel alone, not fighting a lonely battle, but just alone. I’m not missing family, but I wish things were a little different with someone close so I could feel a little more secure. I want this phase to end soon – the sooner the better so I have my sanity about me.
I’ve been at crossroads lately. I had a nice time with family back home, time well spent, although they were a disgruntled lot for various reasons, especially my brother. I’m sorry piggy I can’t help it, I realised that I’ve moved to a new stage in life and though I hate saying it, things have changed, not for the worse but for the better. Though there is joy at this stage there is anxiety as well, not so much about the future, but how things would move in that direction.
I’ve been asking myself what I want from life. I realise that in the greater picture I want to see God glorified. That definitely is the ultimate goal in everything, be it my PhD, marriage, kids, anything, I want to see God glorified. But on a more earthly note, I really want to see this PhD taking some form and I want to see light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow it seems like I’m stuck in second gear till I finish it. Everything around me, and I mean EVERYTHING, revolves around me being in school and completing this PhD. I have never so badly wanted to get over with something as this. And while saying that, let me make it clear that I don’t intend to do a sloppy job. I wish to complete it and complete it well. However, that’s important, completion. Once that is done, I can move on to the next phase that I am eagerly looking forward to.
Until then, I can spend time with friends here in Denton, stay connected online, study, work and yes of course, be on the phone, for what seems like ages to people like Mrunal
